Dear Boz,

When I wore your leopard skin tights and top to the Montreal Jazz Fest Ultimate Frisbee tournament, I thought I was just cross-dressing at a tournament again.

But I soon realized this spotted outfit had great power. It didn't matter that I was a man ill-squeezed into a thin woman's clothes. It didn't matter that my hair spilled out of all sorts of places. It didn't even matter that every time I bent over to pick up the disc, I showed plumber's crack. There was a power in that fabric that created longing and love in all who saw me in it. I had become a feline they had to have.

Which was pretty awesome, but also damn tiring, because making love to whole swaths of people at a time is exhausting. So after I spent a Tuesday night doing the entire Montreal Jazz Festival crowd, and the musicians, I was limp and empty.

I knew I had to take them off. No man can handle their amazing sexy powers for long. I didn't know what I was going to do with them. I never had to decide; when I woke up, they were gone. I had only my memories, and some very serious chafing, to keep them in my mind.

But then, mysteriously, I kept stumbling upon pictures and references to your leopard skin outfit. It seems it traveled the globe, finding suitable men to make into total hotties. Could you resist this man? Of course not. You would crawl right into the box with him and go as wild as you could inside a very small, clear cube. Take note that even action figures cannot resist the charm of these leopard skin tights.

(Also note that he is also wearing the alternate available head gear. I tried it on once in Montreal, but it added too much power. Let's just say when dog starts to lovin' a manly leopard skin leg, there is such a thing as too much attraction.)

When the tights appeared to Barack Obama, he regretfully refused their power. The Secret Service assured him that the attraction of the tights would be reduced by his suits, which would make him only politically irresistible. To Barak, the political risk of it leaking out that he was wearing leopard skin tights was too high. However, Joe Biden was all too happy to wear them under his suit.

The pants did not limit themselves to the flexible and powerful. Green-foot John, a homeless man who shows his green, sickly foot for pity and small change, reported this about his experience with the tights: "I first got into them tights and rould felt drrrgh scratchy and got under my (snakebelt?) Whelm, I thurmed into folding them... up, hurgh under my thigh, but highdored (unintelligible) print pattern, felt kinda girly, mmmhmm, (expletive) woke and screamed 'there's a leopard on me' ...(prolonged groan)...souls and fathers, and I didn't know muh foot was green anyways. (Semi-blasphemous babble with the word "knife" in the middle.) Damn things got me more money than ever." To summarize, instead of the normal retching noises people made when they saw John's green foot, people cooed over it, asked if they could touch it, and John got more money than ever. All because of your wonderful tights.

I will be forever linked to them by some force beyond that of normal tights. And I wonder who they will go to next; for some reason, I think Boutros-Boutros Ghali.

Boz

Last time: How do I become a freak?

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