THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Why do my toes smell of cheese?

RESPONSORIAL

Because you have Halitosis Digitalis Caseos - known to laybeings as "smelly cheese toes." There are many possible sources, and each has their own special story. Infectious cheese toes are usually caused by exposure to old milk or old cows, and can be identified by a pungent whiff of gouda. Viral cheese toes are caused by exposure to "cheese toe" carriers. You can usually see a carrier coming by the number of Independent Vermont Farmers with Toe Fetishes fawning all over the ill person. Still, if you become sick, you may want to wait before you try to find a cure. You see, viral cheese toeism almost always presents a wicked nice cheddar scent, like one of those totally sweet aged varieties. Although, in this case, there is no actual cheese produced, those Vermont toe guys practically live off the smell alone. If you want to make a quick buck, and aren't easily skeeved out, just charge a ten dollars a sniff, and you'll be so rich you can make rappers change "bling bling" to "blang blang" with a flick of your wrist. Don't forget to say "Bozzatch"!

Smelly cheese toe can also be hereditary. As all scientific research points to the fact that most genes are tied to foods produced in certain regions, there will be an ethnic "signature" that makes an unmistakable connection to the cultural background of the afflicted. So, if you're mostly Italian, your feet will smell like mozzarella. The Swiss are obvious, while the French smell like brie, the Egyptian like testouri, and the Irish like potatoes.

The best kind of cheese toe is caused by fungus. This is the best because it is the most profitable. As long as you don't wash, or try to cure your fungus, your little tootsies are a veritable cheese mine. The simplest to produce is good old blue cheese. Just wear really thick wool socks, shoes that don't breathe, and kick up the temperature in your house to 90, and within hours you have a nice crumbly blue, right between your sweaty, nasty toes. Now, this is a cheese of a quality that would take the old "cow and farmer" combo months to produce. Of course, the amount you can harvest is relatively small, so you'll have to go through the process multiple times to produce a sellable amount of cheese. But hey, all life is a meaningless dance of chaos and confusion, so why not?

Why not, you say? Well, because in your case, life goes far beyond the fun and profit of fungal infections. Your cheese toe is also your superpower. That's right, you're a superhero. Sure, this power seems to pale when compared to Cyclops, Superman, or Painthufferman, but that is before you think about who you are protecting pathetic, torpid humanity from. No, not PBS! There, that's right: without you, there would be no one to fight Dr. Badmouse! Only you could have tricked him into the "Maze of Plot Complications." He had to deal with "the angry girlfriend," "the unimaginable wedgie," "the crossdressing nun-man" and "the male pregnancy" twists. All along, you sure kept him moving as you ran along, just out of sight! That was the time you prevented him from gnawing through the two wires that power New York City. If not for you, millions would have been without the light necessary to be arrogant, bad-tempered people that think they are the center of the universe.

And then there was that time you tricked him into the mouse wheel, and her ran and ranned and run, until his four little paws became bloody little stumps, but he kept running, until he was just a quivering torso, and then ... hmmm. Wait. Actually that was all pretty mean and disturbing. Oh, yeah. Then it was funny again. Thanks, Captain American Cheese!

Ask Boz

Home