Dear Ask Boz,

Dear Danny,

Hey Dan. Sorry for the delay in answering this. It took us a while to find our old friend Nobody. He actually lives here at the Ask Boz Compound, but he's kinda hard to find. Because he's Nobody, you see. We finally had to gather everyone together in the Longhouse, and then make an announcement for everybody to leave. So he was the only one left.

Of course it takes even longer to do something like this right. We had to send him out in the field, set him up in a blind so he wouldn't startle the trees, and have him record what he saw and heard. Here are excerpts from his journal:

Day 1 - Just finished scouting the woods, and I think I found a promising grove of leafless trees. Looks to me like they are ready to fall any minute. I built my blind as quietly as possible, and I'm going to come and go for a few days so the trees will get used to me.

Day 2 - Just finished rubbing myself with bark and pine sap in case I am downwind of the trees. They don't seem suspicious of me, but I do not want to take any chances.

Day 12 - I have taken to moving out among them briefly each day. They seem to grow more and more comfortable with me.

Day 17 - I have named the largest tree "Mufulata." I think he is the Matriarch of the group. The two small ones I've named "Curly" and "Bobby-Jo Pants." And then there's Cecelia. I'm pretty sure she's in to me, just by the way she seems to ignore me when I'm near. Still, I'm going to take it slow. Is there any other way with trees?

I just hope she's not the one that falls.

Day 33 - The trees only move when there's wind. Otherwise, they are very still. Too still. Have I frightened them? I am afraid I'm not the man for this job. But then I hear Boz's words: "Only Nobody can do this!" I wonder if he knows how long I've been waiting for someone to say something like that.

Day 77 - Bad day. I realized that the trees were leafless because it was winter. They are beginning to blossom. I have to admit that the buds on the trees, despite their infant beauty, are depressing the hell out of me.

Day 102 - I think maybe I need to get out of the blind for a while and let it air out. There must be a horrible smell coming from it because two squirrels came within, like, five feet, and both of them puked. Which was still kinda cute ... hahaha ... Squirrels!!

Day 452 - A buncha kids came today. They climbed all the trees. They swung from the limbs. They got together on strong branches and made them rock back and forth. These (expletive)ing trees are built to (expletive)ing last!

Day 887 - Went to town. Bought axe. Named axe Alvin. Back in the blind.

Day 900 - I think Cecelia's mad at me. I don't know what I did. Do I wear too much sap? Not enough? I try to stay still when she's still, to sway when she sways. Can't she see the tree in me? Do I have to grow roots?

Day 974 - Cecilia's gone. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she and Curly were gone. And Bobby Jo-Pants won't say a thing. And you know Mufulata - he's not going to talk.

Day 975 - I burned all the poems I wrote her. It was hardest to destroy "Your Bark Isn't Rough to Me." Why did she have to leave me?

Day 1017 - Here's the (expletive)ing sound of a (expletive)ing tree falling in the (expletive)ing woods - "Chop, Chop, Chop, creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaa wwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee CRASH!"

Take it from me: Nobody heard it fall!

Boz

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