What is ultimate?

Wow - what a wild question, dude. Like, so many things are totally ultimate. Dude, have you ever, really, looked at the grass? We've seen patterns there, man, like if you look down, you see connected hexagonal facets. Seriously. It's like the world is made by some vastly superior being ... or some anal retentive mathematician who can, like, create worlds and stuff. Just wildly ultimate.

Also, there was that time we were collectively dreaming, and we had the dream where it was the Power Puff Girls versus the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Heh, heh, it looked like it was gonna be pretty one sided, especially when one of the Girls, don't know her name, Pikachu or Padme or ZanJana, totally got cooked by some giant mutant George Foreman grill, and her handle is "The Scarlet Grillor." She'll get all up in your grill, what what!

So, this Power Puff Girl was fried, which really puts us in a totally uncomfortable situation. 'Cause there's this very cute, fairly innocent cartoon girl getting slowly, deliciously cooked. Seriously, it is almost never cool to cook little superpowered girls, even if you are into that kind of thing. Forget that the fat is dripping down into the little collector tray, so it would be very healthy to eat her. Let's face it, we're very hungry, and, as a collective, we need to eat what we can get our hands on. See, that's not really what bothers us. What really gets us, is, well, we feel really sorry for the poor Evil Mutant. What else is someone with a grilling mutation to do? You have to be what you're made to be. So, in a way, eating a Power Puff Girl burger would be only right, and totally ultimate, if you follow us, especially with a little bleu cheese dressing. But it was all cool, anyway, 'cause somehow the Girls managed to transform Juggernaut into some tiny, purple tight wearing female, which looked very funny, even when we were eating a totally conflicted Animated-Girl Bleu Burger.

Also, waking up covered with chocolate and butterscotch, laying in a bed of cool, slowly melting vanilla ice-cream, with a really rotund fella holding a giant spoon, who says, "You are my Ultimate Sundae." That would be seriously ultimate. Don't you all, just once, want to feel like you are delicious? Plus, you can then have the nickname "Banana Split," which would be totally sensual and mysterious.

Of course, you probably mean Ultimate Frisbee. Simply put, Ultimate is an extremely physically punishing sport, designed for homicidal maniacs, where the person who has just caught the disc is forced to be totally motionless, and everyone on the field gets a free shot at them, including their teammates. Thus, almost every Ultimate player dies the first time he or she touches the disc. Thus justifying the sport's name.

Ask Boz

---

Home