Real questions. Unreal answers.

2/11/10

Dear Ask Boz,

What makes frisbee so ultimate?
Doug

Dear Doug,

Merriam-Webster defines the word "ultimate" as "the best of its kind." So what makes Ultimate Frisbee "the best" form of frisbee? To be the best, Ultimate has to do something that no other sport can. Our sport of Ultimate Frisbee managed to do two things that were considered impossible.

Frisbee is Ultimate because:

  1. It gave hippies purpose: In 1968, the United Nations held a conference titled "The Future Smells Awful: The Coming of the Hippy Apocalypse." Analysts predicted that these smelly, aimless, jobless, stoned idiots would become the next giant drag on the world economy. Despite Frito Lay's optimistic "Munchies Will Fuel the World" report, diplomats feared the worst: a massive, stinky economic collapse.

    Then came Ultimate. It tricked hippies into organizing themselves, dressing the same, and following rules. It did this by emphasizing crap like mutual respect and using New Age terms like "Spirit of the Game." Its most ultimate idea was for players to coach themselves and make their own calls. This eliminated Big Brother (but not The Holding Company) from the sport and began moving hippies into the mainstream.

    As an unexpected bonus, sweating a lot made hippies so smelly that even they knew it was time for a shower. Still, what probably sealed the deal was that you could play pretty well baked out of your frickin' mind.


  2. It brought nerds together with girls: Like some sort of cosmic balance thingy, Ultimate Frisbee also attracted the opposite of hippies: pale, showered, rules following, conservatively dressed nerds. Despite being terrible at all other sports, engineers and math geniuses are somehow awesome at Ultimate. But that's not what makes frisbee Ultimate. Along with their sudden acceptance in athletics, nerds got to not only be near girls, but they actually got to touch and kiss them!!! Although this caused a flurry of chat room discussions about preventing premature ejaculation, the nerds were otherwise totally joyous, especially since they no longer had to be jealous of that playa Stephen Hawking.

So play Ultimate! It saved the world.

Boz


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