We sincerely sympathize with your problem. It's gotta be tough to ignore the awesomeness of Greek Mythology and Pagan worship and teach more about how the Catholic Church has spent thousands of years taking every little bit of fun out of life and replacing it with guilt and fear. It's like, hmm, what more interesting, orgies and goat sacrifice or celibacy and self-sacrifice?

Really. How can you get a bunch of Catechism brats to pay attention to a watered down celebration of a couple of Saints? They had nothing to do with love, and had never touched a woman. But you had no choice, even though you knew the real history of Valentine's day was all about boys suckling on wolves teats, a naked flying baby shooting arrows, nude men running around dressed in goat skins and whippin' willing ladies with thongs, and other really cool things.

Let's take those one at a time:

Cupid: Of course, Cupid helps make love happen all over the world, but where in all of Christiandom is there a flying naked baby-god with a bow and arrow? Answer: nowhere. Unless it's in Deuteronomy. I could never get through that one. Anyway, Cupid could have, you know, been one of the Apostles. Imagine the appeal to little kids having a cute little cherub flapping around Jesus' head. The lesson plan would write itself, and the Church could have made a bundle with product tie-ins.

Boys suckling wolves teats: Before Romulus and Remus founded Rome, they had one wacky adventure. You see, their great uncle was told that they would overthrow him as King. His servant was supposed to take them out to die of exposure, but he couldn't do it, so he put them in a cradle that was carried away by the Tiber River. As usually happens in such situations, they were rescued by a lactating she-wolf and nursed on her many she-wolf nipples. Which is not only kinda hot, if you're into that sort of thing, but is way better than any Bible story. I mean, they had the baby in the basket in the river, but where's the wolf suckling? Where!?

Nude men running: What did the above have to do with Valentine's Day? Rome, of course, celebrated its wolf sucking founders with a party on February 14. Not only did they have the sweet goat-sacrifices and orgies that Catholicism lacks, but they also had nearly naked road races. Clad only in goat skins, the runners ran through the city. The men would whip women with thongs; the women thought this would help them make babies. Roman Catholics replaced this awesome party with Valentine's, which is lacking in goat skins, orgies, whipping, orgies, naked running, and thongs. Is my point clear enough? Orgies!

You know, you should really write to Pope John Pious Benedictus Jr. and tell him it's time to shake things up a little. I'm not saying go right for the sacrifices and orgies, but a couple of nice stories about milk-laden wolf teats and heavily armed flying babies would be a start. Orgies and sacrifices are overrated anyhow; it's always a little weird the next day at the office.

Last time: If I have a hand full of nickels, how much does a gray suit cost?

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