Real questions. Unreal answers.

6/17/11

Dear Ask Boz,

So. Does the vortex make a difference?
Love, Julie

Dear Julie,

First of all, it's just Vortex. Yes, that is a capital V. Vortex is a being, and Vortex makes all the difference in the world! I'm going to refer to Vortex as a male, because I'm sexist. I have never actually seen Vortex's genitals to make a real gender judgement.

He lives outside our universe, but connects to it through black holes. From our perspective, these holes appear to be spinning. They are not; they are completely still. They are how Vortex causes the universe to spin. Thus, without Vortex, everything would fall down to the ground and kinda just sit there.

Black holes are what Vortex uses to supply life giving vortexes to our cosmos. You see, everything is made of an infinity of little tiny vortexs, as well as another infinity of slightly larger, but still tiny, vortexes. I don't know why Vortex made two sizes; they're totally redundant. Sometimes I think he likes to show off.

So each galaxy is a vortex, as is each solar system. Each one of us is made up of DNA strands, which are also vortexes. Atoms, molecules, all of that - yep, vortexes. Joe Biden, too, which totally explains his gaffes.

Some people ask if Vortex is God. I tell them yes, just to mess with them; I don't actually know the answer. Still, I advise praising Vortex just in case. Here are several ways to show Vortex your appreciation:

  • Science Fiction writers should pay him homage. His favorite is by naming a planet "Vortex 9."
  • Run into the path of a tornado and shout "Suck me Vortex!"
  • Make whirlpools in your pool, hot tub or favorite puddle.
  • Sacrifice innocent children and/or virgins by throwing them into whirlpools. *
  • If you're a little one, you can join Junior Vortex Nation. You'll learn how to construct model vortexi, earn merit badges for learning the Grateful Dead Hippy Spin, and you'll be given a mildly soiled person to "sacrifice" to a dust devil.
  • Like Charybdis on Facebook - unfriend Scylla.
  • Spin and spin and spin until you get dizzy and fall down. Vortex loves this because it gives him a break from having to spin the whole universe himself.

There are other ways to praise Vortex, but they mostly involve doing unprintable things with gymnasts. So, get a gymnast and do some research! It's fun!

Boz


*I know a lawyer that specializes in the "I only killed to praise Vortex defense." He used to defend Rastafarians who were busted for pot, but he got tired of being paid in knit caps and Smartfood.

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