Dear Ask Boz,

Dear Josh,

Far better than BPA safe, the Ask Boz/Help Get My water bottle promotes health with a scientifically measured dose of BPA, as well as many other dangerous chemicals.

All of my gear is manufactured through an exclusive license with the Federal Food and Drug Administration, and funded by a grant from the Department of Health. You see, Josh, besides their awesome promotional power, Ask Boz items are designed to immunize people from all the various poisons that we are pumping into our bodies these days.

The theory behind our products is that if we give you small amounts of the many carcinogens, allergens, and alcohologens in the environment, than you will begin to build an immunity against them. To make this work, each item contains a small amount of "Smart Poison." It's just like taking an injection of snake venom to inoculate yourself from a cobra bite.

Below you will find the most dramatic ways the Ask Boz water bottle can help you stay healthy in our polluted, decaying world. Have a nice day :)

Each part of the bottle is focused on impacting a different problem. The outside of the bottle, the inside of the bottle, and the extendable nipple of the bottle all are focused on a curing a variety of ills.

Outside of the bottle: The government has finally accepted that just about everyone in America qualifies as an alcoholic. Instead of fighting it, government scientists have been working on a way to let us drink as much as we want while staying healthy and not breaking any laws. Recently, they unlocked the "Booze Genome," enabling them to find a way to let us all be as drunk as Russians.

Whether you're holding my bottle to fill it up, carrying it around to impress your friends, or squeezing it gently to squirt sweet liquid into your waiting mouth, the area you're touching is coated with a nano-cream of Booze DNA. As the cream is absorbed into your skin, it begins to bond with your genes. As the nanites delivered in the cream replicate themselves, they rapidly convert 20% of your body into booze.

As Common Law states, if you are made up of more than 17% alcohol, you are considered an Alcohol-American. A person who is part booze no longer has to face the numerous laws that penalize drunkenness. In fact, you will now need to be drunk to survive. Ironically, if you blow less than a 2.9% into a breathalyzer, you can be arrested for DWS - Driving While Sober. So don't forget to drink and drive Josh!

Inside of the bottle: The inside is coated with a micro-powder made of every type of plastic that we come in contact with, including your favorite, BPA! The powder is so fine that it fits between the atoms of the bottle wall. When the bottle is sucked on, a tiny amount is released into the liquid. Little by little, you will become immune to any of the ill effects of our plastic world. After using my bottle for a year, you can actually eat BPA as a meal. As a matter of fact, we're producing a line of Ask Boz BPA breakfast flakes right now!

The extendable red nipple: No chemicals needed to improve your health; just the good old nipple! Psychologist have determined that even a slight increase in contact with a nipple-like object means huge gains in feelings of well being. Uncomfortably dubbed "The Suckling Effect," my bottle's carefully designed spout will have you smiling all day. Honestly, it will make you wonder why everything doesn't have a nipple on it.

Next, ask me about the benefits of the pen, the bottle opener, and the tap handle.

Boz

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