Dear Ask Boz,
Why is water wet?

Wet. So simple to touch, so hard to explain. What is wet? The scientists like to throw around their big words for why this remarkable slickness occurs. They say wetness happens because "molecules are loosely bound." Oh. Yeah. That explains --- NOTHING!

Listen. Scientists can't explain anything really important. Scientists only invented things like molecules because people started questioning the first thing they made up, the atom. People asked: "What if there was something smaller than an atom?" Of course, they were ready for this, having anticipated it hundred of years earlier than the stupids they were in contact with.

"Of course an atom is made up of smaller things," they said. "Yes, there are electrons, protons, and neutrons inside." (Who made up those particle names, anyways, Captain Kirk?)

So people were dazzled for a while by spinning whatchamatrons wizzing around a nucleus. Before anyone asked what was inside those particles, scientists just started cranking out different stuff. Molecules, DNA strands, quarks. But when we ask to see 'em, they say "you can't see them, but they are mathematically there."

So science is just a conspiracy and a smokescreen. The real answer to your question is that there are things with no explanation and the universe is freakin' weird.

Because what about wet's nemesis, dry? Those two are locked in a yin and yang dance. Wet is always wetting dry, and dry is always soaking up wet. And ... is there a wet so wet that there would be nothing left dry? Is there a dry so dry that nothing would be wet again? See? It's all too strange.

Your human scientists realized that admitting that there was no explanation for anything would cause a panic. So they made up a bunch of stuff. Our Super Ape scientists are much more open about these terrifying mysteries, which is why they are so frequently found dead.

So, we advise you to stop thinking about these sort of things. They just bother you and make you feel empty and alone. In fact, we've even established a Things Not to Think About and Fat-Free Ice Cream Development Commission. Here are some other things they recommend you don't think about:

1. The size of the universe
2. Relative size
3. Relativity
4. Time
5. Mom and dad ever being together romantically. EVER! It's so ewwweee. I'm going to stop writing about it.
6. Gravity
7. Null gravity
8. Infinity
9. The atmosphere
10. Goiters
11. Stars
12. Super stars
13. The latest three Star Wars
14. "Macho Man" by The Village People
15. Manifest Destiny
16. Manfred Mann
17. Man's inhumanity to man
18. Manatees
19. Manheim Steamroller
20. Carbuncles
21. Reality TV
22. Reality

Last time: Why can you see Vegas from space but not Yao Ming?

Archive of the latest responses:

Subscribe to this page!

An ancient link. See Ask Boz from 2004 on the Connecticut Ultimate website.

NOW! Vote for us at Humor Links

We are listed in the Comedy Zone

Well, I've taken down the form mail. I was being bombarded with spam, so I am going to try something new. If you want to ask a question, just type question@askboz.com into your email. Yes, the I know I didn't make it a link. It will get spammed if I do. I will not use your email address for anything mean. Look around - I'm not trying to make any money here, just sweet free crazy. So ask a question, if you're not skeered.