Ask Boz

9/27/08

Dear Ask Boz
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?



Ask Boz researched several famous Woodchucks and came up with these answers:

Wood Chuck Norris - Wood Chuck Norris wouldn't only chuck wood, he'd kick wood's ass. He wouldn't feel bad for wood, either, like you would, you namby-pamby. He'd kick your ass, too, for sure, just because you have one. Wood Chuck Norris literally has a license that states if you have a behind, he can kick it all over the place. So if he's coming to your area, and you don't want your ass kicked, then you better go out and get elective ass removal surgery, sucka!

Just to let you know, though, we've tried it, the ass kickin'. Wood Chuck Norris opened up a huge can of whoop-ass on us, and, I'll tell you, it was pretty frickin' sweet. See, he kicks your ass so thoroughly, over such an extended period of time, that you have no choice but to enjoy it. I mean, you begin to appreciate just how skilled this man with woodchuck features is at whoopin' up on yo foo' tush, bozzatch! Damn!

Senator Woodchuck Schumer - would get a committee together to look into the crisis in wood, with special emphasis on the after-chuck market.

Wood Chuck E Cheese - Wood Chucky E Cheese made every effort to cooperate with our investigation. We agreed with his lawyers that there needed to be parameters to clearly define how much wood Chuck E Cheese could chuck if Chuck E Cheese would chuck wood. The following are the key agreements reached:

  • It was agreed that "wood" would be defined as a log no longer than two feet and no greater than a half-foot in diameter.
  • A "chuck" would be defined as any toss of an approved piece of wood that reached or exceeded three feet.
Chuck E agreed formally that he "would chuck wood." Chuck E began chucking wood, but soon became dismayed when he realized that there was no time limit to the chucking period. Chuck E has now been chucking wood for forty-two consecutive days. His lawyers are attempting to work in an amendment or an addendum to the beloved folk saying that would stipulate a time limitation on how much any given woodchuck would have to chuck wood.

Wood Chuck Palahniuk - In The Chuck Club, he writes of a main character, Charles, who has a dual personality. While Charles is too afraid to chuck wood, Chuck chucks wood all the time, and would chuck wood again. They form a The Chuck Club, and make a First Rule: The first rule of Chuck Club is we don't tell how much wood we can chuck, or even if we would chuck wood.

How much wood would a wood Chucky kill, if a wood Chucky could kill wood?

Wood Chuck Taylors - are shoes. How the hell can they chuck anything? What, are you stupid or something? Get out of here!


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