Dear Ask Boz,
I'm curious what this years must have for Christmas is? I'm guessing it's this. But I'm not sure, would my dad like it?
Mr. Morocko

Dear Mr. Morocko,

Most normal fathers would love an anatomically disproportionate blow up sex doll of our soon to be former President. Still, if he gets it this Christmas, how in the world will you be able to beat it next year? Those Barbara Bush dolls are very expensive, what with that authentic pearl necklace and all. And don't even think about the Bill Clinton blow up doll; in five minutes the thing will be doing your mom in her "oval office," if you know what I mean.

If you do get it for Dad, make sure you get him Muntadar al-Zeidi blow-up doll. That way, Dad can have Muntadar throw his shoes at his George Bush blow-up doll, and make his George Bush blow-up doll Matrix dodge the shoes. It's history come alive!

And if it's important historical shoes you crave, we gots 'em. We have Nikita Khrushchev's podium bangers on special, and you can get Imelda Marcos entire shoe collection for $10 dollars, if you're willing to grant her shoes political asylum and work on getting them American citizenship. We also have culturally oriented shoes, such as Chinese wooden clogs and slippers used in Dutch foot binding.

Still, if sex toys and exciting shoes aren't on your list, here's a few things that might bring some holiday cheer:

If I know parents, the one thing they think around Christmas is "I hope my children get toys that make lots of noise." That's why Ask Boz Industries has formed an alliance with Hasbro Toys and the Lucznik Arms Factory to produce the "Triple Thunder Sonic Boom Light Up Canon with Siren and Ultra-Megaphone." The nice thing is that it's expandable. After Christmas, if the little one has been really good, you can buy the add-ons "EZ-Scratch Chalkboard" and "Real Jet Engine." Sure to make for hours of ear-splitting enjoyment.

There's nothing better on Jesus' Birthday than to receive a copy of the book he wrote, the Bible. And there's nothing betterer than giving this to a so-called Christian friend, the one who goes to church every Saturday/Sunday, and saying "I know you haven't read this. And you should be ashamed of yourself. You're breaking Jesus's heart every day, do you know that?" Don't try this with Born Again Christians. They've either read it, or they've seen so many History Channel specials that you won't know the difference. I find it works best with Catholics. They've probably read about three Psalms and a little bit of Matthew. Oh, and John 3:16, but only because the rainbow haired guy held up a sign during a football game. Plus, they hate guilt, so it's fun to torture them.

Finally, for that person that has everything, including all 44 presidential blow up dolls: Thieves. You should make this the ultimate surprise by not telling the recipient. That way, when the thieves clean the person out down to his or her doilies and the balls from their ball-in-claw furniture, it will be like hitting the reset button. After this, you can go back to buying them wine openers and pilsner glasses.

Ask Boz wishes you a very lovely Christmas Day, and hopes that, in the New Year, you become compulsively committed to checking Ask Boz every half-hour, despite the impact it has on all of your relationships, work, and well-being.

Best wishes,
Ask Boz

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