THE ASKTATION

Dear Ask Boz,

Will asking 'Ask Boz' a question get me on any NSA watchlist?

Curtis Yanko

RESPONSORIAL

Dear Curtis,

Well, that depends on which "NSA" you speak of. Even a daft simpleton like you could do a simple internet search and find out there are at least nine organizations that have the initials NSA. Each of them has a watchlist of their own, where they monitor the activity of undesirables. So, because you couldn't ask a smart persons question, we have laid out the ways one would go about getting on each of their watchlists. They all had a handy faq portion titled "How to get on our watchlist." Convenient, isn't it!

1. National Security Agency: Q: I am studying to be a terrorist. What can I do to get on your watchlist?
   A:Simply fulfill several criteria from the above question "What is a terrorist?" Additionally, being gangly, having reddish blond hair, and asking obscure humor websites questions will get you on our watch list.
2. The National Speakers Association seem to mostly be on the watch for people who don't speak. They have plans for eliminating mutes, lobbying Congress to pass a law requiring mimes to speak at least twice during an act, and requiring the dumb to wear identification to differentiate them from the merely stupid. Really nasty people, if you ask us!
3. The National Society of Accountants mainly targets any comedian who makes "accountants are so boring jokes." Also, they have gained the right to kill anyone who makes such a joke in their presence, so be careful after that second mojito, OK?
4. The National Softball Association doesn't seem to get the whole "watchlist" thing. On the women's side, they seem rather preoccupied with finding the best place to get a nice buzz cut and extra-large uniforms, and on the guy's side they are on the look out for cheap kegs and the way to justify the extra outfielder that spins it to be manly.
5. The National Sheriffs Association is looking for the guy who shot the sheriff. They are a little pissed that the National Deputies Association isn't interested in helping out. Also, they are looking for guys names "Sherif," because they think "Sherif the Sheriff" would sound funny.
6. The National Stroke Association is actively trying to put a stop to bands and song lyrics that seek to minimize the seriousness of the stroke. They have an injunction against the Strokes and Stroke9, and have asked Billy Squier to change the lyric from "Stroke me, stroke me, STROKE, STROKE" to "Take an aspirin if you are having a STROKE, STROKE." They have requested a change of the word "strokes" to "folks" in theme song from Diff'rent Strokes: "It takes, Diff'rent Folks to move the world." Sort of a nice change, really. What is a "different stroke" anyway?
7. The National Scrabble Association has lined up a few enemies. They absolutely hate Boggle and Upwords, and anyone who plays them. Also, there seems to be a battle with an insurgent Scrabble group attempting to make a new letter, the letter "@", with a letter score of eleven. We can't even print what they say about those guys!
8. The National Stuttering Association lists pretty much everyone on their watchlist. Seriously, who can blame them? That's like having hiccoughs for life. Hate away, stutterers!
9. Finally, the National Shellfisheries Association is on the lookout for many great big shells for their members to live in. Here's an artists rendering of what the ideal shellfishers life would be.

Well, Curtis, we hope you read all this, because it is kind of long. If you did, we're proud of you, because you are a drooling moron. If you didn't, then: jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk!

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